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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

I have 16-year-old twin daughters. The one is very popular, and the other very recluse! In the past month or so, she hasn't been feeling very well – vomiting, headaches and very down! I eventually approached her and asked her if I could take her to the doctor, and she said she was OK. I then asked her if she was pregnant, and she flew off the handle. She said how can I ask her that, and that she was still a virgin, and she was even more upset because she said I thought she was a slut! I tried to talk to her, saying that she left me no choice but to ask all these questions because she does not talk to me. She says she finds it easier to talk to her friends because they are the same age as her! She just does not open up to me so that I can help her. She says I don't know half the stuff she is going through!?

Your concerns are not uncommon. Many teens are not forthcoming about aspects of their personal life, leaving their parents to worry and to sometimes feel helpless. Your daughter's medical symptoms would be of concern to any responsible parent. The fact that she is reclusive and that her twin sister is popular also raises questions in my mind. Does she feel inadequate compared to her sister? (If so, she may seek attention from others but not use good judgment.) Are her friends people you trust and feel comfortable with? Has she always been hard to talk to, or is this a recent phenomenon?

There is no surefire formula to get her to open up to you. The quality of your relationship up until now is a good barometer of what to expect. She gets defensive very easily and anticipates being accused or challenged. Keep that in mind if you try to start a conversation. She needs to understand that she can tell you ANYTHING, and you will listen and care about her concerns. Tell her you cannot promise that you won't be upset or scared or angry if she tells you something that is hard to hear. But promise that you will focus more on understanding and helping her than on criticizing.

If she will not open up, perhaps she will to a guidance counselor, therapist, favorite aunt or mother of a friend. I am sure you have already tried speaking to her sister about what might be wrong but to no avail.

Remind her that all problems, however difficult they seem, are temporary. Even something that seems permanent, such as a physical disability from an accident, does not carry permanent negative consequences. People adjust to their situations. They improve their attitudes.

Perhaps you can share a story from your own past that might relate in some way to your daughter's situation. Maybe you had a hard time talking to your parents. Maybe you were afraid to open up for fear others would abandon you or judge you. Maybe you made mistakes that were embarrassing.

If she does open up, try to arrange for both of you to be sitting down. When people discuss upsetting things while standing up they tend to get more agitated and may end the conversation prematurely. Also, try speaking at a volume that is a little bit lower than normal conversational tone. This is helpful if you think you might get angry. When an angry person talks loudly, she gets even angrier. When an angry person speaks more quietly, anger can come down a notch.

Best wishes.

Paul Coleman
Family Therapist

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