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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

I have twin 11-year-old daughters, and I am divorced with joint custody and I am the non-custodial parent. Their mother has taken the liberty without my knowledge or input to apply for one of our daughters to go to a private school, and my other daughter was allowed to make the decision to stay in the public school system. They have always been together in the same school but different classes. They are now in the fifth grade. Both daughters are extremely intelligent and artistic. I feel as though this will divide their twinship and put both girls on different social paths, which may cause problems later in their life. I would like to have your opinion as the clock ticks away. I am without a good reason to support this action possibly causing my daughters to resent me for stopping this action for which is the feeling I have at this time.?

All else being equal (and it rarely is), I see no clear problem with the fact that your girls attend different schools. "Dividing their twinship" is a puzzle to me. They will probably always feel close, but it is very important that they have independence, as well and not feel pressured to always do what the other one does.

The real problem here seems to be between the parents. Your ex-wife should have involved you in the decision. Yes, you may have completely disagreed with each other, and in that case one of you would be unable to get your way. But in an ideal situation, each of your concerns would have been given serious consideration and a "back-up plan" would have been developed in case whatever was decided did not work out.

Be careful. The non-custodial spouse often feels he has less influence and therefore can take a strong stand on some issue he might be more flexible on had he felt there was a greater degree of fairness in the decisions about parenting. Your ex-wife must be careful, too. It is so easy to let resentments and power struggles play out in the context of parenting. Each side believes that their parenting viewpoint is the best – and argues for it – but sometimes is really just trying to "win" or "beat" the former spouse.

It seems that your daughters like the new school situation. If so, you are outnumbered and probably will cause more problems if you try to enforce your views. I would urge you to talk with your ex and come up with a back-up plan. Decide: Under what conditions would we definitely put the girls back in the same school? Under what conditions would we still keep them apart but be on "yellow alert"?

Your daughters have the best chance of coping overall the more you are involved in their lives (non-custodial parents tend to reduce their involvement over time) and the more cooperative you and your ex can be in parenting. Two books I'd recommend: How to Say It to Your Kids! discusses ways to have the best discussions about a variety of issues with elementary school kids. How to Say It: For Couples might help you and your ex not unnecessarily inflame any discussions. And it can give you tips for any current relationship you might be in.

Best of luck. Remember, despite feeling less influential than you'd like, no other man will take your place. You still have tremendous influence over how your daughters feel about themselves and men in general.

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