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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

To my utter dismay I seem to love one of my twins more than the other – or at least one is more lovable on more days than the other. The "less lovable" twin was terribly sick and almost died at the boys' premature birth, and his babyhood colic nearly drove me out of my mind. At 6, he is a difficult child by any standards. My partner (who had a singleton 18 years ago) is very distressed that I seem to favor one over the other, although in fairness my best times with the "less lovable" twin are when we are alone, with no twin or partner. So nobody sees how good it can be, and I look bad. I feel terribly guilty about all of this. I feel this is one of my biggest life lessons and that I am failing to learn. My partner tells me I have to love them equally. Somehow, I feel there is a call for something superhuman there. Can I make myself love them equally?

I think if we are honest, we love our children "differently." We love them for who they are.

I have three children – all teenagers now. I do not think about whether I love them equally. I simply love them each because of their unique personalities. What I love about one is not necessarily what I love about another.

I might suggest that when we find one child less lovable than we'd like, what we might also be saying is "I don't like myself so much when I interact with that child." In other words, your self-criticism and excessive guilt impedes your ability to relax and enjoy that "more difficult" child. You probably need to cut yourself some slack. Difficult children are harder to manage and make most parents feel less effective and less loving.

This child is a blessing to you. He will make you grow as a person in ways that a more behaved child might not. We all grow when we must face challenges and become better people. This child will teach you more than anyone else the value of patience, tolerance, consistency, forgiveness and numerous other virtues. He is a true gift. And he will teach you that you must be more patient and tolerant and forgiving of yourself in the learning process. It's OK to be human, not superhuman. It's OK to get frustrated and unsure. It's OK to ask for help. It' s OK to pace yourself. And it's OK to not feel all that loving toward a child you know you love. (Do you always feel loving and patient toward your husband? You're a remarkable woman if you do.)

Tell yourself: "I accept that I struggle sometimes with this child. I accept he makes me angry. I accept I also love him. I accept I don't always know what's best..." and so on.

Acceptance is not resignation. It is merely a recognition of what is: of what you feel, of how he acts, etc. You are opposing what is by feeling guilt or anger. It is as if you are saying "He should not be who he is" or "I should not be the mother I am," but that is opposing reality.

Simply accept imperfections, and without berating yourself, see if there is something you can do differently that might help the situation. Learn to love yourself for loving a difficult child. If you cannot have compassion for yourself (or your husband cannot have compassion for you), then the child is not the only "difficult" person in the family. There are also a number of useful books on raising difficult children as well as books on general parenting and communication between spouses. You might try How to Say It to Your Kids and How to Say It for Couples. Keep the faith.

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