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I Want Another Child, He Doesn't
3 Steps to Coping
By Lisa A. Goldstein
After discussion and therapy, if the decision is to not have another child, how can you cope? Fletcher recommends asking yourself what you wanted out of having a child, and then looking for other ways to satisfy that need. Try to make a conscious decision that you can live your life in a satisfying way without the addition of another child.
Other good coping strategies are to focus on the family you do have – its health, love and unity, says Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only (Broadway/Doubleday, 2001). "Focus on the child you have, and make every effort to let him or her know she is more than enough, that she exceeds your greatest dreams," Newman says. "Focus on being the best parent you can be."
As for Childs, her husband did initiate the next discussion. In it, she was honest about how upset she'd been feeling since the last conversation. He asked her some new questions, such as when she would want to have another child – though he hasn't yet agreed to one. Both partners continue to respect and think about each other's position; there's hope for them.
Throughout this difficult time, remember this bit of wisdom from Wade and Kovacs: "The goal is to improve your relationship, with or without children, and to strengthen the love and bond you have with one another."
*Name has been changed to protect privacy.
Family Negotiations
Lisa Cohn can relate to Ivana Childs. She and her husband wrote about their experience in One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies (Riverwood Books, 2004). Cohn wanted another child, but her husband, Bill Merkel, didn't. As a divorced dad entering a stepfamily, he felt he was too old and tired to have another baby. After attending a workshop led by a marriage expert, Merkel realized that if he identified some of his issues and ways to address them, he might be able to move forward and help realize Cohn's dream.
In their book, Merkel says that for hours and hours, they brainstormed about ways that he could be a father without feeling quite so overwhelmed, and they ended up striking a handful of unromantic but critical deals, like how to pay for childcare. Eventually, they did have a child.
As a result of her experience, Cohn advises others to "be willing to compromise in ways that aren't easy." She also says that during negotiations, you need to be clear about what you will and won't give up in order to have the baby. "Don't give up too much," she says. "You'll resent it later."
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I Want Another Child, He Doesn't by Anonymous on 08/14/2009 02:17PM
my husband didnt want to have another baby after we had our son all he could say is do you realy want another one. this one is good what if you other one was not like that. he was making up anything to get out of it. i just keep telling him that i wanted one and making sure he knew what my feelings were about it and now we are tring to have a baby. he found out that its what i really wanted and he wanted to make me happy so he said what could it hurt.