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Not By the Book
Advice for Parents of Babies Who Don't Follow the Rules
By Lyn Mettler
(Wiley, 2002). "There's enough to worry about as a parent without your baby book adding to your anxiety level," she says.
Franco found this advice held true for her family. "In the beginning, I definitely put my faith in the books and medical advice," she says. "As I became more comfortable with motherhood, I started going with my gut feelings."
And with her second child she has been even more relaxed. "I don't worry if she is not doing something when she should," she says. "They do things when they are ready."
Amy Wilkerson, 30, of Creve Coeur, Mo., found she didn't feel the need to reference books when her son was born two years ago. "I found them frustrating, because it seemed that my child never followed their model, but he was progressing well anyway," she says. "I knew that he was healthy, growing well and developing on track, so I tried not to make myself too frantic with other concerns."
However, sometimes these folks can mean well but end up making you feel even worse. Wilkerson, whose baby did not sleep through the night until he was a year old, says it seemed like everyone she knew had a child who slept through the night at 3 months. "I hated to talk about it," she says.
"No parent wants to hear that 'Johnny' slept through the night at 6 weeks and why isn't their baby?" says Turtle. "Parents should be made to feel that they are doing the best for their baby and that each baby is unique."
"Talking with friends and family can be helpful, but parents should remember that their perspective may be relatively narrow," says Dr. Robert Wiskind, a pediatrician at Piedmont Clinic in Atlanta, Ga. "They often speak from experience, but that experience may not accurately translate from one child to another." For example, a grandmother may remember that her babies started sleeping through the night at 2 months, but she is more likely to have formula fed, while her daughter may be breastfeeding.
One of the best people to turn to for support and advice is always your child's doctor. "Every parent should be comfortable with the pediatrician they choose to care for their baby, as they will be an integral part of their parenting experience," says Turtle.
Dr. Wiskind reminds parents that "many of these 'rules of thumb' are not based on science or consistent observation," such as doubling birth weight and sleeping through the night. Also, rather than looking at a particular milestone as a gauge of health and development, "if a child is behind his/her peers in an area of development, I am encouraged if they are making progress at the same rate ... I would be more worried if they seem to be falling farther and farther behind," says Dr. Wiskind.
But remember that you know your child like no one else, so if something seems wrong, don't dismiss it. "If a parent is worried, they should bring an issue to the doctor's attention," says Dr. Wiskind.
And while it is disconcerting when you don't know what's coming next, keep in mind that your baby is a unique individual who's growing and developing just the way he's meant to.
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