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Home › Articles › Moms and Dads › Wading Through the Sea of Unsolicited Advice

Wading Through the Sea of Unsolicited Advice

Tips to Help You Find Your Way as a Father

By Teri Brown

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Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father (Walker & Co., 2003), believes that much of the problems with receiving advice from parents comes more from our changing relationship with them than anything else. "We spend our lives following our parents' instructions; one of the most difficult transitions is that of becoming a true adult and realizing we don't have to do what our parents say, when they say it," says Newman. "Having a baby is an opportunity to change how you relate to your parents and move the relationship in a positive direction."

Newman feels that this sort of advice is intrusive and annoying to most people when it is given too often, becomes repetitive and goes against what a new parent had in mind or how he planned to handle the baby or approach a problem. "Although this type of advice can come from friends, the irksome advice usually comes from a parent who belabors their point," she says. "In all likelihood, the parent acts the same as he or she had done when raising you. As a parent, the dad wants and needs to feel in charge, and it doesn't feel good when a parent is telling you how to put your baby to sleep or how to feed him and so forth."

"If you haven't done so before the new baby, now is a good time to recreate your relationship with your parent(s) – time to set boundaries if you find a parent invading and trying to take over too much care of your child or telling you how to do every little thing," says Newman.

Newman gives the following tips to help the new father deal with unwanted advice:

  • Being honest and straightforward is the simplest and most successful approach; people are frequently unaware of their behavior.
  • Dad has the option to be polite, thank the advice giver and then ignore what he is being told, or he can call his sense of humor into play – especially when dealing with a parent who has been giving him advice his entire life. In other words, view the situation as "some things never change."
  • The new father can kindly and calmly inform his parent that while he appreciates the advice, he wants to try it his way.
  • Avoid placing the blame for ignored instructions on his wife. Don't rattle the daughter-in-law relationship with your parents or put more strain on it than necessary.

Newman believes that most grandparents want to be with their sons and daughters and grandchildren more than anything else. Because of this, they will generally follow your lead and respect your direction. In most cases, an intrusive parent will back off if you ask.


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