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Wading Through the Sea of Unsolicited Advice

Tips to Help You Find Your Way as a Father

By Teri Brown

"Don't pick up the baby every time it cries, you'll spoil it." "Babies need love, they can't be spoiled." "Babies need you to bond with them." "Babies have no clue who you are – the mom yes, dads no."

As if having your first baby wasn't hard enough, dads often have to try to sort out reams of advice. Chris Clary from Portland, Ore., welcomes advice, but admits that he has become skilled at weighing it carefully. "I learned that people truly mean well when giving advice," says Clary, father of 8-month-old twins. "It is up to my wife and me to choose whether or not to use the advice."

Like most new fathers, Clary has learned just how forceful people can be about the best way to raise a child. "When it comes to children, people are very forthcoming and passionate about their advice, and I don't think that is going to change any time soon," he says.

Dr. Neil Talkoff, a psychoanalyst on faculty at the San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institute, San Francisco, Calif., believes that part of the problem stems from new fathers being overwhelmed with their new role. It is difficult to filter through all the well-meant advice being received when they have yet to find their voice as fathers. "Sometimes, new parents find themselves inundated with advice from their own parents or other relatives, well-meaning friends and so forth," says Dr. Talkoff.

While Dr. Talkoff believes that advice is often welcome, there are times when too much advice becomes overwhelming and is no longer helpful. It can almost have the opposite effect of what was intended. "Advice crosses the line from helpfulness to intrusiveness when the giver is not sensitive to how it is received, regardless of good intentions," he says.

Want to see more?

• Entering as a Husband, Exiting as a Father: How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changes a Man
• Quiz: For Fathers Only: A Quiz for the Parentally Challenged
• New Dads and Fear of the Unknown: Becoming Confident in Your New Parenting Skills
• Join the discussion on our Family.com community!

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