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Making Change Work
Husbands and Wives in Stay-At-Home-Dad Families
By Michael Polinski
Tony Villanova starts his day when he feels a tug on his blanket and hears the voice of his almost-2-year-old daughter exclaim, "Daddy, Daddy, wake up!" Tony sits up in bed and his daughter hops up next to him to give him the first of the day's many hugs and kisses. It's his favorite time of day – the time when he comes on duty as a stay-at-home dad.
But the day isn't all hugs and kisses. Tony, a stay-at-home dad for 15 months in Downers Grove, Ill., and his wife, Mary, struggle with the unique challenges that affect the marital relationship in stay-at-home-dad families. Yet, despite the struggles, Tony and Mary, like many other married couples in stay-at-home-dad families, find satisfaction in this non-traditional arrangement.
In his 1996 survey on stay-at-home-dad families, Dr. Robert Frank, a leading researcher on stay-at-home dads, found that 51 percent of stay-at-home dads and 43 percent of their wives reported being extremely satisfied with their caregiving arrangement. Moreover, the total satisfaction score – found by combining the "somewhat" and "extremely satisfied" response groups – was higher than 70 percent for both. Though there aren't any statistics on divorce regarding these couples, Dr. Frank says, "My guess is that families with stay-at-home dads have lower divorce rates and stronger-than-average marriages."
What helps these couples through their struggles to satisfaction? The main factor is a shared goal: avoiding the use of full-time day care. Both moms and dads in Dr. Frank's survey overwhelming gave this as the reason for having dad stay home with the kids. Dr. Bruce Drobeck, a family therapist who is developing a research project on stay-at-home-dad marital relationships, says, "Having shared goals affects everything. Once you have a parent staying home as a goal, everything else falls into place."
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