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Grunts, Snarls and Verbal Abuse

How to Break the Silence and Poor Communication Patterns

By Laura Paul

When her 14-year-old daughter closes herself up like a fan and writes dark poetry in her diary, Paula Dawidowicz of Blacksburg, Va., gently pulls her into a conversation. Parents like Dawidowicz often wonder which is worse: the silent treatment or the grunts and snarls that seem to be more appropriate forms of communication among wild animals than they do among teens in a gentrified society.

"What I started to do was ask her if I could hear one of her poems," Dawidowicz says. "Her poem was dark and really sad. She felt really isolated and separate. I accepted her where she was, and I started talking to her about some of the poetry I had written and the reasons why I was so glad she had come to be my child."

As a single mother of three teenagers and a personal coach and director for the Center for Successful Communities, Dawidowicz has learned to communicate meaningfully with her children. Her oldest son, David, 20, has a triple major in psychics, math and astronomy at the University of Massachusetts where he is a junior. When he was living at home, David did not always want to open up or converse in a polite manner, and his mother remembers the power struggles.

"He was crossing what I considered moral barriers in my house," Dawidowicz says. "He immediately got defensive when I tried to discuss it with him. I said, 'We need to talk about this,' and he would get angry – very abrupt, did not want to talk about it, did not want to see my side of it at all. What I found was, sometimes the language would get really out of line, not just, 'I don't want to talk about it,' but vicious words, very attacking to me and basically putting me in a position where I could easily take personal offense."

Want to see more?

• Shh, Mom! Stop Spilling My Secrets: Why Parents Should Use Discretion When Talking About Their Teens
• Behavior Contracts: What Can They Do for You? An Interview with Mark Kichler, President of KidsContracts, Inc.
• The Lost Art of Letter Writing: How to Get Your Child to Pick up a Pen
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!