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Comparing Toddlers

Tips on Handling Parents Who Compare Children

By Katherine Bontrager

Amy Shanler, a mother of 20-month-old twin daughters, has experienced this tiring trend. "In general, the more parents stay active with their kids, the less time they have for these types of comparisons ... but they happen anyway," says the mom from Bedford, Mass. "Because I have two children to compare to each other – not to mention with other kids – I've had to come up with some ways to deal."

Shanler reminds herself that kids typically learn one thing at a time and focus on it exclusively. "When they're in that learning process, sometimes they don't focus on other things – so walking becomes the main priority and speech isn't as important," she says. "If I'm worried, I'll ask my pediatrician. She knows development a lot better than first-time or even second-time mothers."

Another way to handle bragging moms and dads is to simply say, "I'm so happy for you," says Shanler. "To diffuse any potential competition, I don't offer what my girls can or can't do," she says. "If someone starts up, it is usually because she needs some sort of validation that she's doing a good job. So I say it: 'Wow, Susan, that's amazing. You're doing such a good job with your child. I'm so happy for you.' That usually ends the discussion right there."

DeBroff says keeping things in perspective is essential. "You hve to contextualize it," says DeBroff. "If someone says, 'My toddler just tied his shoes,' you say, 'Wow. And to think my toddler just managed to throw all her stuffed animals out of her crib.' Diffuse the situation with humor. Or, if it's a close friend, you can say, 'That's great, and I'm happy for you and your child, but the comparisons are making me feel uncomfortable.'"

Want to see more?

• Comparing Our Children and Why We Shouldn't
• The Urge to Compare (and Why It Gets You Nowhere)
• In a Toddler's World: 10 Things Toddlers Know and Adults Don't
• Join the discussion on our Family.com community!

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