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Shh Mom! Stop Spilling My Secrets
Why Parents Should Use Discretion When Talking About Their Teens
By Tamekia Reece
(Quill, 2003), agrees and suggests asking yourself what new information this person can offer and whether you're looking for support in understanding how to handle your teen or hoping to become friendlier with this person by telling family secrets.
If this person can't offer useful information, there's really no reason they should know. And using details of your teen's life to bond with others is just plain selfish and will usually destroy the bond that matters most: the one with your teen.
One exception to the hush-hush rule, according to Kelley Hunsicker of South Carolina, mother of three sons, is criminal activity. "If the secret was a criminal act or someone was hurt as a result of the secret, then it shouldn't be kept," she says.
Though it's strongly debated as to whether parents should turn their children in for crime-related activity, for Hunsicker there's no question. "Helping your children become criminals is not acceptable, and by keeping the secret you are condoning the act," she says.
Another rule-breaker involves divorced parents. "On occasion, I've shared things with my son's dad, which I feel a father should know or would know if he was around his son every day," Gordon says. This type of sharing is essential in relationships where the teen doesn't see one of the parents often. By giving the other parent a heads-up, you're helping to make the issue easier to handle should it surface unexpectedly.
It's hard for teens to trust, especially adults and authoritative figures. So when your teen trusts you enough to confide in you about something that's going on in her life, it really means something. "My mom and I have a very close relationship," says Gina*, 15. "I feel like I can tell her anything."
Because some things teens tell their parents can lead to embarrassment, rumors and even bad reputations, it's easy to see how trust is a major factor in whether or not a teen talks to her parents. "If I thought she was telling other people what I've told her, I'd keep it to myself," Gina says.
