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Free to Be You and Me
Nurturing Your Multiples' Individual Personalities By Lisa A. Goldstein
s in similar but not identical sequence. "Twins' language or motor development can sometimes be months apart and it's totally normal," says O'Brien. "But it's human nature to compare. So the trick is to keep these comparisons 'invisible' versus obvious to the children."
Tracy Spooner, 39, of Scottsdale, Ariz., has already implemented O'Brien's strategies with her twins. Spooner has two sets of twin boys, ages 3 1/2 and 1 1/2. She says her family works to play up each other's strengths and root for one another. For example, they will say things like: "Didn't Morgan do a great job on that puzzle, Cal? Morgan, did you see Cal's great kick?"
Amanda Donaldson, 27, of Newport News, Va., is concerned with favoritism now that her 9-month-old twins' personalities are beginning to stand out. She thinks she does a pretty good job as a mother keeping things equal. Her husband, however, quickly took to one twin because she's easier to handle with feeding, diaper changing and cuddling. So Donaldson felt that the other wasn't getting enough of her father's attention. "I interceded and made sure he spent time with her individually so he could bond with her also," she says.
Other issues that come into play with twins and multiples are discipline and fairness. The prevailing myth is that methods have to be adapted for different children; however, parents need to strive for consistency in their approach, be it time-outs or privileges taken away, says O'Brien.
"Your method may 'look' like it works better with one child than another, but don't let that lead you down the path of different methods for different kids, especially in the beginning," she says. "Kids just won't get it and think you're being unfair. Once they're old enough to negotiate (school age), you can make decisions about what's most effective (no screen time for one; no play date for another) when disciplining your child. You can explain that the consequence may be different, but it's still taking away what matters to them most when they misbehave. And don't forget about the flip side of discipline: rewarding each twin in a unique way for their good behavior."
