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Free to Be You and Me
Nurturing Your Multiples' Individual Personalities By Lisa A. Goldstein
Once twins' differences are acknowledged, the next step is to know when to do things the same or differently. This question, says O'Brien, is what researchers call a shared versus a non-shared environment.
"Twins, just by being born at the same time, spend more of their time in a shared environment than other kids," she says. "Whether sleeping in their own cribs, potty training or starting preschool, it's always easier to do something once versus twice. For other issues that are 'optional,' parents can and should do them differently according to the child's pace and preferences, which become much clearer as they get older." She says, for example, some twins like to share birthday cakes, while others want their own.
"I advise fellow parents of twins to rely on their 'gut' as well as teachers' advice for big decisions, like putting them into separate classes at school," says O'Brien. "There's no magic rule. If you automatically try to force one child to do something the other one is doing, you can end up making far more work for yourself and creating a sense of frustration or failure in a child."
Trying to do something once rather than twice can prove challenging, especially when it comes to things beyond your control like regulating your babies' schedules. Since the newborn stage is an exhausting time for parents of multiples, O'Brien recommends a "real world" approach. "Try for the same schedules, as the world won't always adjust to their individual preferences, but build in flexibility," she says. "Feed your most impatient or hungry baby first, then rock or put him in a bouncy while you feed the other. Put them both down to nap, etc., at the same time, but don't expect them to simultaneously sleep or wake."
