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Free to Be You and Me
Nurturing Your Multiples' Individual Personalities By Lisa A. Goldstein
In high school, Will Rapp and his identical twin, Wayne, were both well liked and active in school sports and politics. While Wayne became more outgoing as they grew older, Will became more reserved. The now-65-year-olds say their classmates always thought of them as "the twins" even though it was apparent to the Rapps how different they were. "I really wanted people to recognize our differences rather than always seeing our similarities," says Will.
Indeed, this is the challenge that parents of multiples face: How can they support and nurture their multiples' individual personalities?
Some typical temperament characteristics that may vary, according to O'Brien, include: level of activity (active or quiet), soothability, distractibility, adaptability to change and intensity of reaction (loud or soft cries and laughs). For instance, some babies take longer to eat or are more easygoing. "We don't treat all adults the same, so why would we do so with kids?" says O'Brien, also the mother of 10-year-old twins. "It's not favoritism, it's responding in a way that works best."
Parents naturally learn how children are different through observation and spending individual time with them, says Susie Kohl, a preschool director, human development instructor for more than 30 years and author of five parenting books, including one on twins. Kohl who has seen more sets of twins than she can count cautions, "It's challenging not to inadvertently assign them to roles because of their differences: the good eater, the crier, the more sensitive one. We want to avoid individualizing in ways that label, thus limiting a twin's conception of himself."
