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Opponents or Teammates?
Tackling Sibling Rivalry in Twins By Susan Kohl
Competition among siblings, though often subtle, is a normal part of family life. Few families, except for those with only one child, can escape some sort of sibling rivalry.
Brothers and sisters often compete for everything from love and attention to praise and rewards. Often the competition is not openly recognized or acknowledged, but instead subtly permeates family dynamics. Parents don't realize, for example, that when they offer a reward to the child without any cavities, they have created a situation that can be perceived as some sort of unspoken contest among siblings.
Twins are no exception to the competition rule. Most will admit they are very competitive, and their competitiveness extends to sports, school, business, romance and other areas of life.
With twins, it's easy to identify distinct patterns of competition. Sometimes there is great competition between siblings, with the parents playing a key role in spurring it on. Often this kind of competition plays a negative role in the twins' relationship with each other and in family dynamics as a whole. In other cases, the competition is much more positive as twins use competition to improve their own skills and knowledge. In some cases, competition morphs into teamwork. And then there are the twins who feel they are not competitive at all.
One pair of adult twins, Kim Smith and Cheryl Bobelak, say they aren't competitive with each other, though they had to think long and hard before answering. "We just enjoy doing things together," Smith says. "It wasn't who could get the better grade or who could be better at doing something. We just liked doing things together, so there really was, and is, no need to compete."
"My parents used competition as a way to motivate us," says Connie Wyckoff, 58, when talking about growing up as a twin. "That was very important to our folks. If one of us got an A and the other got a B, my parents would make us feel that the only one loved was the one who got an A. It was a difficult way to be raised. My folks and I talked about it recently, and they said they didn't know it was negative at the time. When we were growing up, no one gave you a class on how to rear twins. They did the best they could."
