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Gone But Not Forgotten

Mourning the Loss of a Multiple

By Carol Sjostrom Miller

Jean Kollantai was thrilled to find out she was expecting twins. Throughout her pregnancy, she dreamed of pushing a double stroller and snuggling two babies in her arms. Then the unthinkable happened. Three days before their due date, one of her twins died suddenly in utero.

The loss of a child is every parent's worst nightmare – and grieving a child is always a complicated and painful process. However, when the child was a twin, triplet or higher multiple, the grief process becomes even more complicated.

"It is a horrendous loss," says Kollantai, who is the founder and director of the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth, headquartered in Anchorage, Alaska. "Parents expecting twins get so attached to both babies and to the idea of having twins. When one dies, reality becomes much different than what [they] expected."

In our society, multiples are given special status. "Parents feel special when they are expecting multiples," says Barbara Douglass, chaplain of Women's Services at Northside Hospital in Atlanta, Ga. "To lose one is very devastating." Whether the baby died in utero, was stillborn or died after birth, parents feel deprived – not only of the child they lost, but also of the opportunity to raise twins, triplets or more.

Jodi Solieri, a mom from Whitestone, N.Y., experienced this firsthand when one of her twin daughters died. "I was meant to raise twins," she says. "I remember thinking that I'm not supposed to have just one baby; I'm supposed to have two."

Parents also may have a lot of conflicting feelings. "When my daughter smiles, I'm still sad," says Solieri. "Every time my daughter does something great, I wonder what my other daughter would have been doing."

This is completely normal, according to Douglass, and guilt is a common side effect that goes along with the grief process, trapping many parents in a vicious circle. "When the parent is feeling happy and enjoying her surviving child, she feels guilty for not grieving," says Douglass. "And when she is feeling sad and grieving, she feels guilty for not enjoying her surviving child."

To top it all off, "Seeing the surviving child is a constant reminder of the one who died," says Cathy Wing, registered nurse and perinatal loss clinician, who also works at Northside Hospital in Atlanta.

Kollantai agrees. "You will always look at one child and see the other and wonder what it would have been like to have twins," she says. These bittersweet feelings are likely to continue throughout the years, as the surviving child reaches milestones, celebrates birthdays and attends proms and graduations.

Even everyday events, such as a trip to the store, can be difficult. Kollantai remembers thinking of the double stroller every time she put her son into the single one. Then there are the constant questions and comments. Strangers unknowingly ask, "How many children do you have?"

Want to see more?

• Talk about it!
• Pregnancy After Loss: Are You Ready to Try Again?
• Miscarriage and the Millennium
• Read other Stories of Loss from parents who have lost a baby.

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