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Who's Better at What?
One Father's Thoughts on Keeping Sibling Rivalry in Check
By George Ayres
t for them to be constantly cognizant of the need for individualized attention. When I asked him about rivalry between his older set of twins, he said: "They disagree about things like, 'Who's the better athlete?' 'Who's the better artist?'" Sherman believes the game of "who's better at what" is a process they're going through to differentiate themselves. "They're starting to categorize themselves," he says.
How do they handle those things? "We encourage their own interests," says Sherman. "One thing that works for us is that we also don't tell them each other's grades. It's unimportant, and we believe it helps them develop their differences."
Is some rivalry good? "Yes," says Leach. "It's 'real world.' It's a good way to spur one another on."
Bunner also believes that sibling rivalry, whether with singles or multiples, is healthy. "It's normal. It's how they learn about relationships," she says.
Whether it happens at home, in the classroom, on the ballet floor or in art class, rivalry is OK as long as it's not malicious. From my own experience, I see that it helps Liza and Hallie better understand themselves and their relationships with each other and the world. Then, if they're motivated to do so, they can see what they need to do to equal or surpass their sister and classmates. Emphasizing their independence and honoring their individuality seems to help them focus on their own strengths and not envy their sister's accomplishments as much.
The big message here? As parents, although the rivalry may be intense, we should always stress their individual strengths and emphasize that they be there for each other with love, support and loyalty.
