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Identical Individuals

Helping Twins Develop Their Own Identities

By Lisamarie Sanders

Identical twins are celebrated in society for their similarities, as evidenced by the number of television commercials using twins to sell their products and the success of twin-based shows and movies. But there is another side to twins that should be embraced: their individuality.

Parents expecting twins have a difficult, but wonderful, task ahead of them. They are responsible for recognizing and encouraging each child's individuality while also nurturing the special bond they share.

Susan Kohl, mother of twins and author of Twin Stories: Their Mysterious and Unique Bond (Wildcat Canyon Press, 2001), stresses the importance of helping twins develop their own identities. "Even though the egg splits and they have much of the same genetic makeup, they really are two separate people," she says. "It's important to nurture their individuality so they could become self-sufficient, successful adults."

Kim Brown, a mother of twins from Indiana, agrees. "The children need to know that they are not two halves of a whole, but that each one is a complete individual," she says.

"This is not always easy," says Karen Kerkhoff Gromada, author of Keys to Parenting Multiples (Barrons Educational Series, 2001) and Mothering Multiples (La Leche League Intl, 1999). "It often takes longer for a mother to bond with her twins because she has to fall in love with two people at once."

She adds that when you're dealing with two babies who need constant care and attention – often at the same time – you may be too busy to get to know them as individuals. Many parents become attached to the unit. However, as things settle down and you find more time to interact with each child separately, the bonds form. "It's a crucial responsibility of parents of twins to get to know each child separately," she says. "Once you form the attachments, their individuality becomes clear."

Want to see more?

• Just Like Me: The Challenges of Being a Preteen Twin
• Separation Anxiety: A Dad Reflects on Choosing Separate Classrooms for His Twins
• Two Peas in a Pod: 10 Ways to Encourage Individuality in Twin Toddlers
• Talk about it!